


Of a Stain and Broken Dreams

by Sandylee007



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Angst, Drama, Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Heartbreak, Lost Love, Love, M/M, Post-Break Up, Sad Alec Lightwood, Self-Sacrifice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:21:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26757928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandylee007/pseuds/Sandylee007
Summary: 3x18 MISSING SCENEWe saw Magnus wandering through New York after Alec broke up with him. But what did Alec do? He drags his body and broken heart to the Institute. Where a single stain becomes the symbol of everything he just gave up on.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 15
Kudos: 65





	Of a Stain and Broken Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> This idea came to me and refuses to leave me alone. Soooo... Here we are! (chuckles)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Nope, I own absolutely nothing but my imagination. And sadly, nope, I make NO profit out of typing this. This is purely out of my love for Malec.
> 
> This... is gonna be pretty sad. But I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride, anyway. Here we go!

It was the hardest and most painful thing Alec had ever done.

Walking away from Magnus, who’d already lost pretty much everything and would’ve needed him like never before... Leaving behind the best thing in his life... Pretending that he no longer loved and wanted to be with the man he loved more than anyone or anything... It killed a piece of him.

Alec didn’t answer when Izzy asked if he’d recover from the breakup because he knew the answer. He’d never, ever recover from this. But his current anguish... The gaping hole in his chest... It was all worth it.

/ _“Break his heart, to save his life.”_ /

Asmodeus was a Greater Demon up to no good but he also wasn’t wrong. Magnus already _died_ after making a desperate purchase in an attempt to feel whole again. And briefly as it was, every single detail would haunt Alec forever. Magnus coughing up blood... Convulsing... No longer breathing... His own hands performing CPR... Perhaps the worst thing, however, was that Magnus seemed equally hollow and lifeless after waking up.

Alec knew that Magnus loved him every bit as much as he loved the warlock. (How could he not know after everything the man had done for him?) And he saw how determinedly, or perhaps desperately, Magnus attempted to make his own life worth living without magic. Now that Alec allowed himself to see it for what it was, the frantic running around in an attempt to ‘live in the moment’ was actually Magnus trying to outrun the emptiness inside. And he blamed himself.

If he never let Magnus go to Edom... If he didn’t let the sheer need for the man he loved to be alright keep him from seeing past Magnus’ ‘I’m fine’ façade until the magicless warlock fell apart entirely in his arms... Then maybe... If he just...

If. If. If.

The fact stood that Magnus sacrificed far too much to ensure that Alec remained whole. Now the Shadowhunter returned the favor. Perhaps one day, eventually, Magnus would’ve learned to survive without his magic. But Alec couldn’t bear the thought of the love of his life and the liveliest person he'd ever met just surviving. He wanted Magnus to _live_ and be happy. Even if it was hating him.

Magnus would never know how much Alec still loved him, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him, why he viciously tore apart the heart he’d sworn to protect and cherish.

Alec stumbled and leaned heavily against a wall, his face buried to his hands. By the angel, what was he doing? What if he was making a terrible mistake? Magnus’ heart... It’d already been broken so many times in the past. It’d endured too much loss. What if...?

Alec became aware of an awful wheezing sound and realized that it was his own breathing. In... Out... He fought against the tears and the doubts buzzing in his head and heart with all his might. Because if he allowed himself to break down now, he wasn’t sure he’d ever manage to pick up the pieces.

“I’m sorry”, he choked out, echoing the last words he said and ever would say to Magnus. “I love you. I’m sorry.”

Nothing but the cold wind listened and answered him.

Alec wanted to run back to his mother’s store, where he left his heart, with all his might. But he couldn’t. A deal was made and he paid the price. The constantly growing ache gnawing at his chest made as much clear. Forcing himself to be a soldier of the Clave Alec pushed his body into motion.

Alec didn’t remember anything of his journey to the Institute. He couldn’t go to his room. Couldn’t see the bed Magnus just occupied, where they made love. He couldn’t even imagine trying to sleep in the sheets that’d hold his beloved’s familiar scent. He couldn’t see the newspaper that was still there, with Magnus having marked potential new homes for the two of them. He couldn’t stand facing the drawer that contained the warlock’s belongings, or seeing the other man’s toothbrush and shampoo in the bathroom they shared for a little while. So instead Alec hauled himself to his office, doing his best to avoid facing people along the way. Work had been an excellent distraction before. He’d dedicate himself to it now, too.

One foot in front of the other. One breath at a time. One beat of a broken heart at a time. He could do this. He could...

Just two steps into his office Alec froze.

In the middle of all the recent hassle he hadn’t noticed the small but ominous blood stain on his office’s carpet. It was Magnus’ blood, from when the man’s body rejected Lorenzo’s magic violently. It symbolized the beginning of the end for the best thing Alec had and would ever have in his life. He couldn’t stand the sight of it.

Frantic and detached at the same time, Alec sought out some products to get rid of the stain. (Mercifully the cleaning up staff wasn’t on duty at that hour to ask questions.) He fell down on his knees gracelessly, his legs finally giving in rather than it being a conscious decision. And then he put all his might and focus into scrubbing. Or tried to. Nothing could keep his mind from wandering to where he’d left his heart.

/ _“I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced.”_ /

/ _“I know you feel what I feel.”_ /

/ _“Would I give up my life for you?”_ /

/ _“I don’t think I can live without you.”_ /

/ _“I love you.”_

_“I love you, too.”_ /

/ _“I was hoping that we could both move in. Together.”_

_“Only if I get my own walk-in closet.”_

_“You mean that?”_ /

/ _“Please, stay with me.”_

_“Magnus, I can’t. I’m sorry.”_ /

The stain wasn’t going anywhere even when Alec’s fingers were eventually red and raw, almost bleeding. Tears of frustration flooded to his eyes before he managed to stop them. He still attempted to fight against them. If the first one would fall, they’d never stop. So he scrubbed and scrubbed.

The stain spread instead of fading away and suddenly it became the symbol of everything Alec could no longer have, of a million broken dreams.

The sound of someone’s steps startled him and made him look up, to face Izzy at the room’s doorway. She frowned. “Alec?” Then understanding dawned and sorrow filled her eyes. “You did it, didn’t you? Alec...!”

Alec shook his head. The lump in his throat, the pressure squeezing at his chest... They were maddening. _Not now, not yet._ He couldn’t bear listening to her telling him that he made a huge mistake. Couldn’t handle her making him imagine what Magnus might be going through at the moment. He was barely keeping himself together as it was.

Izzy seemed to understand. Instead of talking she made her way to him, sat down and pulled him to a hug. He clung to her, unaware of how he was trembling. He didn't even notice that by then some tears had escaped his steel hard control. He didn’t make a sound but his heart screamed, howled from agony, when the last intact pieces of it splintered in his chest. Alec still couldn’t look away from the stain that seemed to be mocking him.

/ _“You’ll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right_. _”_ /

/ _“Break his heart, to save his life.”_ /

/ _“I can’t. I’m sorry.”_ /

A blink of an eye ago he was planning on moving in together with and proposing the man he loved. Now his only paper-thin comfort, or perhaps fool’s hope, was that he did the right thing. Doing the right thing had never hurt so terribly.

**Author's Note:**

> Poor babies! (sniffles) Thankfully we know that they found their way back to each other.
> 
> Soooo... Thoughts? Comments? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS brighten my days.
> 
> THANK YOU, so much, for reading! And... Maybe I’ll see you again with some other work?
> 
> Take care!


End file.
